I walked slowly towards the tree line... I could feel the tears building up inside me. Lost, desperate and hopeless. What am I doing, who am I, what is my purpose?
A year ago I had a great career, 50 music gigs a month, talks, drums circles, classes from my book. A nice apartment, friends.
Covid hit, it all dropped, the landlord said I had to move out she was adopting a baby and needed space. Everything crashed. So I started talking to friends and two of my friends said to come down to Myrtle Beach. So I did.
Rent was way cheaper and I was able to maintain my unemployment from my business in MD. I was able to relax and live and let this storm pass over. However, unaware the storm was not outside of me but rather within me.
Overtime, unemployment ended and trying to get gigs here was not working. Something was not right about the energy of the music. The places I was playing (nursing homes) were so toxic to play in that when I get home I feel torn and wrecked. Something is not right.
The energy of playing out , the desire to grasp and move forward to heal others... it all felt fake, not real. It was like returning to a job you left, knowing you are and can be more. hmmmm???
I have also found myself feeling lazy, un inspired and hopeless. Full on useless.
I finally hit the tree line and start to cry. I sit by the tall tree I usually sit with and let go, tears and anger, and a feeling of loss. This goes on for about 30 minutes. I then move over and lay upon a sliding board in this park. I look up and see the trees. I think.... just this start here. Green, and blue sky. Just start there. That is enough. I start there.
I slowly reconnect with my center. Just this.
I next sit up and walk to a tree near me, and sit, and let go more.. " Dear god, I give up , dear angels I surrrender"
Then I hear a voice. Its a friend of mine that I have met down here. This is the perfect person to meet. I cant believe he is here in this vacant park? He told me he drove past and "something" told him to pull in and get out.
We talked 60 minutes. He shared a lot of how his life is really hard now and strange. I listened, and the more the listened the more I felt like I had a purpose. Just to be something that night for him. Just as the green leaves were for me.
MOVING 4 ward now...
I am starting with, love. I sit each morning and say to myself. I am love.. i am love.. i am love.... If this is all i can do, then that will be enough for today.
On another note.. from the brain. I am financially strong for 5 more months. I let go, feel enrichment in life and know something will appear.
Photo by Arnaud Mesureur on Unsplash
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